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[01 Jun 2005|09:16pm] |
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I go after what I want. That's who I am, and how I slimmed down to a size 0 and then realized I needed to get over that and do my own thing. I have brunette ambition. I know it, I like it.
Tonight I am wanting something, undefined but something innately and undeniably sensual. To paint a lover's skin, to write a wildly erotic story with a stranger from the street and then act it out, smearing the ink on the sheets. I want nothing pretty or romantic so don't paint it that way.
I might change my mind in a few hours but I doubt it. Right now my french press is calling my name. MMM coffee.
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| Now here I go again I see the crystal visions |
[16 May 2005|01:46am] |
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A few years ago when I was younger I might have said that I am writing here because I heard that other models were, models I wanted to be like, the ones I plastered on my purple walls that I stenciled with any unusual and beautiful design I could find. But that's not who I am, and since then the walls became every kind of color imaginable.
It is late at night, well past midnight and the moonlight is brighter and more iridescently beautiful streaming through the open balcony of my beautiful Italian apartment than it possibly could be anywhere else, though next week I might see something, meet someone who makes me feel differently. My fingers found the keys tonight because they craved to write, to stroke the keys and what I crave drives me always.
I am a model but not the kind you are thinking. I am not the thin girl with no tits from page three but if you saw me you would remember. Who I am has made me a successful model. I like for you to look at me. I like to pose for you, to make you stop and feel until you want to burst, until it hurts. I want you to wonder what I'm thinking and feel how I do if only for a moment. I want to haunt the page and your heart.
Oh and size does matter no matter what people say. I was once a size zero, although in my head I would think "I'm a zero" until it literally ate away at me, at my body. I used to think about that and what it meant when I couldn't understand what I was feeling and how my life was. Where was my substance? It never felt quite right to try to be just like everyone else and I think I knew I wasn't somewhere inside. My body knew the way it knows and it let me know. I manifest my emotions through my body, through the physical it's just how I am. Now at size fourteen I can make you stop and stare because of my body not my lack of one. I like being full and I don't mean from food.
I am a model but my essence takes precedence always and the title can't tame or control me.
My lips right now taste of pomegranate and cherry juice not of vaseline.
I don't starve myself when it comes to food or anything else and when I touch my skin I am not checking to see if my ribs and hipbone protrude.
I have an insatiable appetite but not for what you think.
I'm Crystal and I'm here. If I want you to know about me, you will. That's the way I am and although I like to move my furniture around and rearrange the roses and carnations in my favorite vase, I can't change myself. I don't want to and I couldn't even if I did. My real desires, my real self won't let me betray them. I'm real and I like it but sometimes it feels like I'm not even real enough.
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